WINSDAY WISDOM 216
The funeral service had just been completed at the cemetery when, suddenly, a fight broke out. Flailing fisticuffs. Chokeholds. Shouted hostilities. Screamed expletives. 911 calls. Sirens. So much for the loved one resting in peace.
This was the Tombstone Showdown.
Why do we still fight?
The answer to that question has eluded many relationship partners.
Some people come out of the mother’s womb fighting, as Jacob did with his brother, Esau. Some fight throughout life and some go to the grave still fighting.
Some fight over the grave.
The Tombstone Showdown was real. Jeff, my associate in War and Peace and Crimes of Endearment, oversaw this funeral fiasco. I was a bystander, there for support and protection. The fight breakout was shocking, but it was no surprise to Jeff to see me backing up farther and farther from the skirmish.
I hope I was praying. I know my mouth was as wide open in astonishment as my eyes. I had never witnessed something like this before. At least, not in a cemetery.
Let me set the tone of the scene. Bagpipes. That’s right. Bagpipes.
The elderly husband had been bedridden at home in a coma for several days. The doctor said the end of earthly life was near. His loving wife arranged for her own version of last rites for her beloved husband.
Jeff was there to read Scripture and pray. Another man showed up with bagpipes. He looked as if he had just come down from the hills of Scotland. He was in full Highland Dress. Plaided kilt, tartan bag cover, braided silk chords, and the feathered bonnet.
He played Amazing Grace on his bagpipes. The sound was loud. It sounded like…bagpipes. It can be music to one’s ears or an irritant to one’s senses. Sometimes, the slow dirge can move people to tears.
In this case, the bagpipe sounds awakened the dead. Not literally. This dear man was almost dead. The low ceiling in the small bedroom amplified the noise. Somehow, it startled the comatose patient. He sat up, looked around, and then fell back asleep.
I wondered about the effects of the loud ruckus that interrupted his peaceful rest at his funeral.
We were aware of some family unrest. Much to the chagrin and disapproval of their children, the elderly couple had welcomed a stranger into their home. This man, a druggie, began to take on the self-proclaimed role of “stepson.”
There had been several shouting matches between the son and so-called stepson. Threats were made regarding his presence at the memorial services. The tension was prevalent. The danger of disruption was anticipated. A police officer was hired to provide security for the event.
The two daughters flew in from California. The stepson appeared as well. The son refused to come to the cemetery, but his two sons were more than capable stand-ins for the revenge tour.
As Jeff finished his closing prayer at the graveside, he declared that this concluded the memorial service. He went to shake the hand of the grieving widow. As the stepson expressed his condolences, chaos broke out.
The grandsons completely ignored Jeff’s closing declaration of “Peace be with you.”
As my uncle would often whisper in his fake dismay, “I was aghast.” Aghast–to be filled with horror or shock.
The two young adult grandsons literally leaped over their grandmother and into the hated fall guy. Grandmother was knocked to the ground. Her head missed a tombstone by inches, or things would have been much worse.
The two grandsons began to pummel the unwanted family intruder. The security officer pulled away the bleeding and bruised victim. As the police officer held the screaming man in a headlock, the two grandsons continued to pound away at his face and body.
The officer had called for backup. I was doing my part. I backed up. Four gravediggers were standing nearby. They rushed into the skirmish and literally wrestled the two grandsons to the ground and held them there until help arrived.
The daughters were in tears as they cared for their mother. She appeared to be in shock. As Jeff struggled to help the knocked-down grandmother, he nearly fell back into the open grave.
Jeff’s wife had blood all over her. Jenny had offered aid to the bloodied stepson. She had to go for shots once she learned that the bleeding drug addict had hepatitis.
Sirens filled the quiet solitude of the cemetery. Four police cars, an ambulance, and a firetruck raced to the scene. I have never witnessed a funeral like this one. I have the highest respect for my associate and longtime friend as you can tell by my next comment. If you are expecting a fight showdown in Tombstone, call Doc Segner.
Why do we still fight?
At some point you and your partner are going to fight. Fighting does not mean you are with the wrong person, or that your relationship is doomed. Conflict is an inevitable part of any longstanding human relationship, especially ones that involve the most intimate parts of our lives.
Marriage is the union of two kingdoms into a better one. King George and Queen Mary must lay down their crowns at the feet of the King of kings. It is always better to surrender to a better way to live. Learn to love first and love most.
Most of us will not succumb to fisticuffs or physical harm, but we fight with words or social media. We cause emotional damage. We sever relationships, causing others to unnecessarily choose sides.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me. Yes, they do. Kind words bring life, but cruel words crush the spirit (#1 Textbook).
The cause of all conflict is unmet, unrealistic, and, sometimes, unexpressed expectations (#1 Textbook).
We expected the other person to say something or do something. We expected them to know what we wanted, even when we never expressed it.
That might lead us to be discouraged, to feel disrespected. We feel hurt, unloved, unappreciated. So, our response might be a barrage of loud shouts or sounds of silence.
The other person might express hostility, but it takes two to fight. The #1 Textbook says for us not to retaliate or seek revenge. Listen. Understand, Repair the relationship.
Little fights can feel as horrific and damaging as bigger fights. They are all big to us at the time.
A young man whom I had the pleasure of officiating his marriage several months earlier sought me out for counsel. He was distraught. He and his wife had been fighting over some unmet and unexpressed expectations. He did not think their marriage could survive.
He explained the problem clearly. His wife left the dirty pans and dishes in the sink overnight. He could not understand why she would wait until the next morning to wash them. This was serious. He was not sure their marriage would survive.
I tried not to smile. Many couples would trade their devastating problems with him in a heartbeat. Here was a sweet, kind young man who did not want to fight, but the battlefield of dirty dishes in the sink overnight would not go away.
I say yes and amen to all you women out there. He could have washed the pots and pans himself. Men do not think that way, thus causing unmet expectations to arise in you women. Do not expect what you will not express. Even then, you might be disappointed, but it should not become conflict.
I asked this young man if his mother used to put away all the dirty pans and dishes each night after dinner or before bedtime. He replied, “Of course.”
I followed up with a question regarding his mother-in-law. Did he know if she cleaned up her kitchen at night or waited until the morning? He responded, “She leaves them in the sink, just like her daughter.”
He still did not get it. I said, “Do you think that maybe your wife thinks she is doing it the right way because of how she was raised?”
“But it is not the right way.”
“Right, because that is not how you were raised. There is a solution to the problem. You do not have to fight about this. Ask her if she would do the dishes at night. If she refuses, you can do them if it bothers you this much.”
I do not know how the dirty dish saga was resolved. I know they have been married for over thirty years with wonderful kids and grandkids. No fight is worth interfering with that.
On a slightly larger scale, I counseled a couple engaged in verbal warfare. Some shouts. Some sounds of silence. They were on the brink of separation. As part of getting to the root problem of selfishness, I asked each one to prepare a list of the things the other person needed to change.
The next week, the husband began. He pulled out his three-by-five card and emphatically read the three things which she needed to change to make their marriage work. I think they are the universal list for men. Food. Cleaning. Lovemaking.
Yes, we men are narrow-minded…and unreasonable in our expectations.
When it was the wife’s turn, she pulled out a full-sized yellow notepad with five pages of single-spaced problems her husband needed to change. Yes, you women have the memory of elephants. Mistakes are not forgotten. Never. He was in shock. He had no idea of the magnitude of her grievances.
Unmet, unrealistic, and unexpressed expectations. That is the source of all conflict.
Unmet expectations become the foundation of all conflict, not only in marriage, but in every relationship. Learn to be a peacemaker.
Communication without fighting is not easy. It is doable. A great place to start is with God. Tell him your expectations. Much of the time, we are really fighting with God, much like Jacob’s wrestling match. We just do not want to admit it.
God will tell you to love first and love most. That is the place to start and finish any communication.
This is the verse from the #1 Textbook that got my attention and changed my heart:
Treat the other person with longsuffering, enduring one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:2-3).
I had to learn how to endure and be eager. But first, I had to want to be a love first, love most person.
Please, do not take the fight to the grave. Forgive and ask for forgiveness. Be the first to renew your love and love the most.
God will show you a better way to live (#1 Textbook). Give the other person the best of your love.
LOVE FIRST...LOVE MOST 