THE WALLPAPER

REWIND BY POPULAR DEMAND FROM MY GRANDKIDS

Marriage requires commitment…so does insanity.

Women are crazy; men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid!

As the weirdness begins to fade over the years, the woman decides to stay with her idiot husband just to spare the world from him running loose on society.

Once again, I just did not listen to my wife’s wishes. Apparently, I did not pay attention. 

Our family recalls it as The Wallpaper episode. The phrase brings immediate memories of extreme laughter and unforgettable misery, mostly at my expense.

Our family returned home from the best vacation of our lives. We reminisced about the fun, food, fellowship, and feelings of awe at the beautiful sights, peaceful relaxation, and exciting activities.

Most returns from vacation can feel boring or an emotional letdown from the big fun romp. This vacation ending still held the biggest “Eureka” moment for its gigantic climax.

The biggest surprise awaited our arrival. The Wallpaper.

My wife had purchased paint, rolls of beautiful wallpaper, and decorative border for our family room. Several months passed without any start on the project. I always had a reason to wait until the next weekend.

When there was no reason, I made up an excuse. Handyman stuff has never been a strong suit. At least, I knew not to use Great Stuff on this honey-do listing. (See previous story, Handyman Blunder.)

The lengthy delay left my wife discouraged and overwhelmed. My multi-talented maiden can outwork experienced work crews and out-decorate professional decorators; however, the possibility of finishing this project without any assistance only added to its postponement. I promised my participation after the vacation.

 My surprise plan was the enlistment of my handyman friend to paint the room, install the wallpaper, match the molding, and add the top border while we were away on our family vacation.

This would be one of the greatest gifts of all time. Surprised expressions, joyful gratitude, and special treatment awaited me.

The children were apprised of the amazing gift. Their excited energy had them jumping for joy in anticipation of mom’s astonishment and dad’s achievement. It would be the cherry on the top of this family’s best vacation sundae.

I asked the family to wait outside the door so I could check the house. Everything was safe and in its place. No house invasion by burglars or rats.

Most importantly, the beautiful wallpaper and colorful border had been wonderfully placed without any mistakes or mess for me to clean up. What a husband! What a lucky wife to have such a thoughtful spouse!

Our smiling daughter held her mother’s hand as they waited in the entry. Her face beamed with the joy of a Christmas morning. The younger boys applauded as I announced the queen’s grand entrance into the family room. One shouted, “Surprise!” The other, “Ta dah!”

My wife was surprised! She was speechless! The shocked look on her face was priceless…and has remained memorable. Her gorgeous eyes became extremely large. Both hands covered her open mouth. Her knees trembled and weakened.

She leaned against the doorpost as she continued to gaze around the room at the wallpaper and border, carefully chosen to adorn her living area.

Her eyes began to fill with tears; her head began to slowly move back and forth. She would point at the wall and then place her hand back over her mouth. The kids continued to dance around the
room. Her husband went from glee to puzzlement.

She pointed again at the wallpaper and then at the adjoining room. She repeated this gesture. Several times, she pointed at the wallpaper and then toward the other living area. The multitude
of wallpaper rolls and border were no longer stacked in the garage. They were on her wall.

THE WALL IN THE WRONG ROOM!

Yep! The light bulb finally went on in my darkened mind. I had directed my handyman friend to redecorate the WRONG ROOM. Surprise!

They say there is a humorous side to every situation. My wife was challenged to see it.

My precious wife remained speechless!

In fact, she did not speak again for two days. The shock silenced everything. No complaint. No correction. No criticism. She just went to bed and covered her crying eyes.

I thought she went to bed to laugh it out. Isn’t it somewhat ironic that my wife felt incomplete until she married me? What was she thinking?

I stood there staring at the wallpaper. I think Alexis played Beyonce singing for all the Dreamgirls out there, “You should have listened.”

Brain freeze. I just stared at the wallpaper, muttering to myself, “Huh? What just happened?”

As the song says, Marriage can be romantic…or traumatic!

I offer a real-life marriage suggestion: If you do not pay attention to your wife’s wants and wishes, do not try to surprise her.

I don’t use the word, “Surprise” much anymore!

The wallpaper stayed up. My market shares went down. Every subsequent vacation had its moments where the rest of the family retold the Wallpaper Story with all the exaggerated facial reenactments and laughter at dad’s expense.

Our marriage survived the Wallpaper, Now, it is a funny story for our grandkids. It is also a security net for my son-in-law. “At least, I did not do the Wallpaper!”

My stupidity comes with a Do Not Disturb sign. However, I have not given up hope of becoming a better listener. Perhaps, you can join me on this journey.

Listening is a tool for understanding the other person, who they are, what they like, what they want.

Listening requires me to pay attention. That means I need to change my focus away from the television or computer. It means putting down the cell phone and stop texting. (I said I am still learning.)

What makes someone a better listener? Love.

Preoccupation with self is a detriment to listening. Listening is primarily a spiritual connection based on love.

HOW YOU LISTEN TO OTHERS IS INDICATIVE OF HOW YOU LISTEN TO GOD.

Uninterested? Pretense? Inattentive? Divided attention? Short attention span? More concerned with sharing your ideas, opinions, plan?

Listening to God’s Word is a great place to start. “Be quick to listen; slow to speak” (#1 Textbook). Learn to listen to God first and most. Others will benefit.

Listen better to creation as birds sing, winds whisper, waves crash, and thunder roars to the glory of God’s love for you. Listen to others share their heart.

I offer this paraphrase of the prominent scripture invoked at many weddings for beautiful brides and their dumb and dumber men.

Love is patient, love is kind…Love listens; love never gives the right gift in the wrong place…love never fails. (#1 Textbook)

God gives us an infinite capacity to love. Love more. Listen better.

Love listens First. Love listens Most. I am a very slow learner, but I do understand the goal.

You probably face some challenges this week.

Perhaps someone has placed your dream on the wrong wall. Stay calm. Everything is not ruined forever. You will make it through this episode of life and someday it might be a funny story…to someone else.