I was sitting in my car eating lunch and catching up on some texts in the McDonalds’ parking lot. My reading was interrupted by loud arguments from a family exiting the fast-food restaurant. The mother and father were screaming at their crying little four-year-old girl. I discreetly rolled down my window so I could hear better.
The precious little girl definitely did not enjoy her Ronald McDonald playtime. Both parents were using strong language to scold her recent actions and attitude. Threats were made about future discipline. I tried not to look as if I were eavesdropping; but by now, my head was leaning out the window.
Their family car was parked right next to mine. The mother opened the back door of the car and yelled for the little girl to never act like that again or she would never have another Happy Meal. Then the mom ordered the sobbing daughter to get into the car. Both parents slammed their car doors as they took their places in the front seats.
I felt so sorry for this little, sniffling, teary-eyed, beautiful girl. Her parents were so mean. How could any parent be so impatient or cruel? She needed someone to care about her and her plight. I thought she might have the worst parents in the world.
This girl needed some encouragement. The entire world was not against her. This was an opportunity to love first and most. So, I leaned out the window and smiled at her. “It’s going to be ok.”
She looked up, stomped her feet, stuck her tongue out at me, and began blowing her lips with the sound of a Bronx cheer. “NYAAH.”
Her defiant tone was not cute; she was rude. I was aghast! I might have even mimicked her disrespectful gesture. I was trying to be cute. It became a showdown. I lost!
I immediately thanked the Lord for the wise parents of this little brat.
Parenting is not an easy no-mistakes endeavor. It also is not free from advice. Some parenting advice is helpful. Most is unsolicited. You will get advice from parents, in-laws, grandparents, siblings, relatives, friends, church members, and complete strangers.
Child psychologists and talk shows cover the subject. Family conferences, parenting workshops, books, and magazines offer parenting insights. I am not sure any of that really matters.
It seems as if everyone else knows exactly what and how to raise your child. The advice ranges from encouragement to condescension. Applause to condemnation. Helpful to humiliating. Well-meaning to hidden meaning.
Most parental advice makes you feel like a sad and bad person. Really sad and really bad.
I acted as if I appreciated the lady who offered her unsolicited “candy” suggestion. for the birthday pinata. Why did she feel that was necessary? Did she really think I was going to fill the piñata with broccoli bites?
Almost every parent tries to do his/her best. Certainly, the ones who might read this article. We all want the best for our kids. We make mistakes in our methods and manners, but not mistakes of the heart.
We tend to be judgmental of other parents and very blind to what might be in store for us. We do not know what the other parents are dealing with. We need to toss our presuppositions and misunderstandings in the wastebasket. Let’s also ditch our unwelcomed advice. Too often, our tongue outruns our brain.
Before we were blessed with children, my wife and I went out to eat with a young couple and their young children. We were embarrassed for them as the toddler ran screaming around the restaurant. He ignored their commands and pleas. Even bribes did not corral the chaos.
We were shocked when the one-year-old started eating everything with her hands. Her mouth and face were covered in mashed potatoes and gravy. So was her hair.
The parents seemed oblivious. The highchair tray had food floating around before it was scattered on the floor. As we waded out of the restaurant, I handed the waitress an extra tip. She looked up, stomped her feet, and stuck her tongue out at me and blurted, “NYAAH.”
We left there vowing that our kids would never behave like that in public or private.
Sometimes, you get to eat your words. The egg on your face is just as messy. Eventually, it becomes funny when your grandkids do those things you frowned on. You even take pictures of the cute darlings and post them on Facebook.
Why do kids act like little saints in the church classroom and then change teams on the ride home? Or why do they play together at the house, but fight like bitter enemies as soon as company arrives? I have no idea. I have only heard of such things. (Where is that sarcasm font?)
Parents wanted: No experience. No training. You are not allowed to quit. Little lives are at stake.
Let’s face it. No parent really has any idea what they are about to get into. Not at birth or in the nursery days. Not in the terrible two’s or the frightening teens. I once foolishly thought that when your children grow up and leave the house that your worries would decrease. I was clueless and mistaken!
Words change meanings. “No” means ask again. “I am talking to you mother’ is the signal for an emergency. “Time for bed” sends off the alarm announcing, “I need to start my school project that is due tomorrow.” Only when on the phone with a friend do you hear the beloved term “Mom” repeated seventy-four times.
Every child is different. Every parent is naïve. You just keep hoping that you will do better on the next one. Until you find that the next ones were divinely designed to be more challenging. Oh, the immeasurable wisdom of God! He knows exactly what we need to learn how to really love.
You have a story. Some of it is still being written. God always writes the last chapter, and it will be wonderful.
Give yourself some grace. We are not perfect. We learn and grow. We would like to do some things over and better. That does not make you a terrible parent. It defines you as a real person.
There is no such thing as a non-dysfunctional family. Do not judge your parenting skills by someone else’s social posts and pictures or their annual Christmas letter. Do not condemn your efforts based on some current challenge in your son or daughter’s life.
Learn to love first and love most. Pray and work to get better at understanding how to do that. The #1 Textbook has it covered.
Love your kids (whatever their age) in the same way that Jesus loves you. When you mess up, you are forgiven. When you fall down, you are lifted up. When you feel discouraged, you are praised. When you fail, you are taught.
God gave you that child or children or the blessing of caring for someone else’s children. God knew exactly where you would be strong and where you would be weak. Where you would shine and where you would mess up. God knows exactly what you needed to step into a higher plane of love.
Do what you think is best. Your children grow up way too fast. You will have to learn how to install a car seat and erect a swing set. You will need a truck load of batteries and an even bigger supply of patience. You will watch Frozen or Marvel Movies or something like them for thirty-five days in a row. You will answer questions you have never heard before. You will shout instructions until your voice retires for the night.
About the time you learn how to change a diaper and burp an upset stomach, you are chasing a wild screaming toddler around the room. It will feel like a blender on full speed with the top off.
Let me save you a phone call. No, you are not insured “for Mayhem like this.“
They surprise you. They delight you. They drive you crazy.
There will be sleep deprivation. There will be times you are held hostage by their demands or your promises. There will be moments where the only way to get their attention is for you to sit down with a cup of coffee and get comfortable.
Before you can make a couple of laps through the cluttered house, you are carpooling to school and racking your brain through homework that you vowed never to do again. Once the routine sets in, it is disrupted by school activities which lead to more friends and longer texts and fewer talks.
You figure out a plan that works for the whole family, but there are not enough days on the calendar. Then the calendar keeps changing years every time you check it. Before you blink twice, the kids are headed off to college or work or a new family. Time moves too fast to analyze and improve your parenting skills.
You just adapt and get better. You do the best you can at the time. Wisdom comes later. Maybe, that is why so many insist on interjecting their opinions into your situation. They wish they had a do-over.
All of us wish for that. Not just to erase mistakes, but to cherish the moments of joy and love. You are left with memories and pictures and notes. Maybe a text. I suggest one technique I borrowed from the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond.
It’s called editing. Edit out the bad moments. Do not dwell on the mistakes. Focus on the good memories. I am pretty sure the idea comes from the #1 Textbook. “Love covers a multitude of mistakes.”
God loves you. The mistakes are covered. The messes have been forgiven. Cherish the good moments.
Yes, if I could do it again, I would do it all better. More importantly, I would do it all with more joy. However, the past is gone, and the present is fleeting by too fast. We need to make today count.
Hug your kids, whatever their ages. Brag on them. If you are physically separated from them, encourage them with a text or call. Above all, pray for them. They need your prayers more than your parenting advice.
You invested in their lives. Trust God to produce good dividends. Hope that they will take your love to an even higher level with your grandkids. It’s the cycle of life.
I offer no advice and certainly share no criticism. I know you have done and are doing and will do the best you can. I applaud you and cheer you on.
Look to the One who loves you first and most. Imitate God, as beloved children. And walk in love just as Christ loved us” (#1 Textbook).
I love you. I love my wife who has done far better than she gives herself credit. I love my children and grandchildren. I’m still trying to do the best I can and with God’s help, I will do better.
I wish the same for you.
If you wish to correct me on something in this post or desire to enlighten me on a better way, then “NYAAH!”
LOVE FIRST...LOVE MOST 