Note: Please disregard this if you are hoping for some wisdom or theological thoughts. However, our #1 Textbook tells us there is a Time to Laugh. Just hoping to crack a smile.
This is my tribute to O Bud of Mine. I hope this finds you well and fine.
I met Jeff when he had long hair, wore short shorts, drove a Datemobile, and acted like Jerry Lewis on a golf course. Hey laaady!
His strangest visit to the Sandite movie theatre was to view the double feature Planet of the Blood and Spencer’s Mountain. I am not sure he was ever the same.
I saw him battle pirates in the office of our pastor who often envisioned himself as the swashbuckling Long John Silver.
My friend, Jeff, has spilled more glasses of tea on our dining table than all my kids combined.
When he was new Christian, the pastor announced that a seriously ill church member had gone home. Then the pastor asked Jeff to say the offertory prayer. Home meant heaven, right??
Yes, it was surprising and slightly embarrassing to pray for the grieving family and then find the person prayed for sitting in the pew, laughing.
In his role of Minister of Announcements, he once offered a comedic safety announcement following a week of record rainfall. He urged the church attendees to “use the blue pew cushions as floating devices in case the heavy rains continued to flood our streets.“
I thought it was hilarious, but I was the only one who laughed, while puzzled congregants tried to detach the cushions.
During our joint counseling sessions, he continued to whisper caution in my ears with the same admonition Dallas Cowboy Coach Tom Landry used when his quarterback, Danny White, audibled to the wrong play: “No, Danny! No!” He knows counseling is not my forte.
When you ask me for counsel, I can only assume you are out of all other rational options.
Each memory has its own story, better told by him; but I could if I must.
I witnessed Jeff supervise a funeral fiasco that ended in a family fight which necessitated police and firemen intervention.
The Tombstone Showdown was real. I was a bystander, there for support and protection. The fight breakout was shocking, but it was no surprise to Jeff to see me backing up farther and farther from the skirmish.
I hope I was praying. I know my mouth was as wide open in astonishment as my eyes. I had never witnessed something like this before. At least, not in a cemetery.
We were aware of some family unrest. Much to the chagrin and disapproval of their children, the elderly couple had welcomed a stranger into their home. This man, a druggie, began to take on the self-proclaimed role of “stepson.”
There had been several shouting matches between the son and so-called stepson. Threats were made regarding his presence at the memorial services. The tension was prevalent. The danger of disruption was anticipated. A police officer was hired to provide security for the event.
The two daughters flew in from California. The unwelcomed stepson appeared as well. The son refused to come to the cemetery, but his two sons were more than capable stand-ins for the revenge tour.
As Jeff finished his closing prayer at the graveside, he declared that this concluded the memorial service. He went to shake the hand of the grieving widow. As the stepson expressed his condolences, chaos broke out.
The grandsons completely ignored Jeff’s closing declaration of “Peace be with you.”
As my uncle would often whisper in his fake dismay, “I was aghast.” Aghast–to be filled with horror or shock.
The two young adult grandsons literally leaped over their grandmother and into the hated fall guy. Grandmother was knocked to the ground. Her head missed a tombstone by inches, or things would have been much worse.
The two grandsons began to pummel the unwanted family intruder. The security officer pulled away the bleeding and bruised victim. As the police officer held the screaming man in a headlock, the two grandsons continued to pound away at his face and body.
The officer had called for backup. I was doing my part. I backed up. Four gravediggers were standing nearby. They rushed into the skirmish and literally wrestled the two grandsons to the ground and held them there until help arrived.
As Jeff struggled to help the knocked-down grandmother, he nearly fell back into the open grave. Jeff’s wife had blood all over her. Jenny had offered aid to the bloodied stepson. She had to go for shots once she learned that the bleeding drug addict had hepatitis.
Sirens filled the quiet solitude of the cemetery. Four police cars, an ambulance, and a firetruck raced to the scene. I have never witnessed a funeral like this one. I have the highest respect for my associate and longtime friend as you can tell by my next comment. If you are expecting a fight showdown in Tombstone, call Doc Segner.
I have known Jeff since his early college days. I observed Jeff rebuff the many amorous advances from women desiring to permanently ride shotgun in the Datemobile. Some wore high white go-go boots. Jeff ended up at Casa Bonita on the other side of town, hoping to be unseen.
One girl had her boyfriend deliver a note to Jeff which should have been preserved in the Smithsonian.
The churches were filled with many hopeful matchmakers, but Jeff always “nipped it in the bud.”
However, I was there with him on a golf course in Arkansas when he was confronted with the possibility of losing the love of his life. Never has such fear and such hope entered the mind of a man at the same time. Thank God for Jenny.
I finished the golf round while Jeff sped home to Louisiana. His life was changed for the better.
Brief interruption by the special girl who changed my life for the better. I wish I could say the same for her.
My wife just yelled from the bedroom, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body as if someone was stabbing a voodoo doll that looked like you?”
I replied, “No.”
She responded, “How about now?”
As my Pastor Tim once said in a sermon, “that is not Truism or Biblicism. That is Awfulism.”
Back to the Wisdom Wasteland Tribute.
Jeff’s greatest talent is observing people. He sees the humor, irony, and “conundrums” in life. Conundrum-a confusing and difficult problem which might be impossible to solve. Jeff taught me what “conundrum” means and often showed it in his actions.
That ministerial talent has successfully made me laugh during funerals, song services, and keynote addresses. He has cracked me up while he was preaching, making church announcements, and welcoming guests. He has caused my mind to shift to laughter in elders’ meetings and while listening to him read Scriptures.
I witnessed him trying to take credit for the Glorietta Mountain Jehovah-Jireh canteen. That day, God provided water on the mountain for my thirsty young disciple, Curtis Davis, and me. It came with an important lesson about faith.
Jeff said he tossed the canteen under a bush, just like he tried to throw cold water on our miracle. What’s next? Did he light the fire in the burning bush that changed Moses’ life? Did he unlock the Philippian prison door so Paul could go free?
I know he once described a vison of himself as a cliff diver near the site of the “swine dive” in the days of Legion’s lesson on faith. That drop the mic moment left all of us in stitches. It just cannot be told without banishment from our cancel culture.
Jeff often criticized my failure to preach thematic sermons for seasonal occasions. He was particularly against my reliance on expository preaching book by book, especially when we were in Lamentations during Christmas.
He took sermon notes of only my mispronounced words.
He singlehandedly ended my practice of summer camp “God Bless You” services because it might include holding hands, not to mention actually becoming a blessing to someone. That subject always appeared to be far and removed from his mission in life.
There is some background to his reluctance. One night, a young man took the opportunity to replace the usual “I want to say God bless (someone’s name)” with the surprising question, “Why do I hate Jeff?” (Ouch! I did not see that one coming.)
Jeff compared my sarcastic humor directed to him to the electric eel which hides among the rocks in the water, waiting for the right moment to rise and zap its prey with a strong Taser-like shock. Whatever one calls it, I enjoyed it immensely.
A rose can be called many names and yet it remains a rose. The same is true of a horse’s behind. I had many names for this Wasteland Wonder from Sand Springs.
- Doc (not sure of the origin but I think he was once a sports trainer)
- Whiff Wang (he could completely whiff on a golf shot and then whack the golf ball a country mile all in one incredible non-stop circular motion)
- De-Bud (self-explanatory)
- Corrie Ten Segner (He was complaining about starvation two hours into a twenty-four-hour staff retreat fast.)
- Weather Wizard and Clairvoyant of the Clouds (Jeff was always apprised of the weather causes and conditions, more accurate than the TV meteorologists)
- Luke Skidwalker (When the less known pilot of Star Wars struggled with how to use the chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant, Obi-Wan said, “Use the forks, Luke.”)
- Counselor of the Brethren and Carnac the Magnificent (He is the best counselor I know who knows the most comedic lines by Johnny Carson’s Carnac routine.)
- Heaven’s Pooper Scooper. (He once cracked up all his associates at a John Piper Bible Conference when he observed an attendant sweeping up trash in one of the aisles. “That will be me my job when all of you are listening to Jesus in heaven.”)
- Walking Conundrum, Sage of Nonsense, and Sultan of Sarcasm. (self-explanatory)
Time does not allow me to list all his honorary titles. Well, onward with this Tribute before the orchestra starts playing me off the stage.
Jeffrey Lane’s songwriting has no peer in its prowess: (Please imagine yourself sitting next to someone singing these song versions…in church…pre-ministerial days.)
- Tell the Gnus and the Elephants, Too.
- Blessed Insurance Jesus is Mine
- When the Road is Full of Yonder
- I’ve got the Pizza Pie of Understanding Down in My Heart
- Bringing in the Sheets
- Give me Cheese-Sauce, Give me Cheese Sauce
- Andy Walks with Me
- And the infamous Through many dangerous Toys and Snails that Saved the Ranch for Me.
Jeffrey composed some of the all-time greatest Christmas hits:
- Noel, Noel spelled backwards is Leon, Leon
- While Shepherds Wash their Socks by Night
- And his classic musical improvisation in protest to my Christmas Lamentations’ sermons:
- Deck the Halls with Fire and Brimstone. Fah-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. We are all going to hell in a handbasket. Fah-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. (Please sing it Myles)
JEFF REMAINS THE MOUNT EVEREST ON MY HORIZON.
His infamous comedic moments were highlighted by his perfect delivery of the best lines from Johnny Carson as Carnac the Magnificent.
“Heaven has no brighter star than the stellar mind and omnipotent master from the East who was formerly the manicurist for Howard Hughes. May his Perrier water be secretly bottled in Tijuana.
And now for the one guest who remained until the end of this celebration, I present the envelopes that any child of four can plainly see have been hermetically sealed and kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar since noon today under Funk and Wagnell’s porch.
No one..and I mean NO ONE…knows the contents of these envelopes but the Guest of Honor, our Swami of the Springs, who will ascertain the answers to these questions having never seen them before.”
Envelope 1: A, B, C, D, E, F.
Answer 1: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
Envelope 2: Peter Pan.
Answer 2: What do you use to fry a peter?
Envelope 3: Kumquat.
Answer 3: How do you call your quat home?
Envelope 4: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Answer 4: What do you look for when you are tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
Envelope 5: A full moon.
Answer 5: What does the choir see if the pastor’s pants fall down?
Envelope 6: Zippity doo-dah
Answer 6: What do you say to someone who left his doo-dah open?
Envelope 7: Sissss, Booom, Baaaah.
Answer 7: What do you hear when a sheep blows up?
Envelope 8: Hi Diddly-dee.
Answer 8: How do you say, “Good morning” to a diddly-dee?
Envelope 9: Rosy-red cheeks.
Answer 9: What do you get when you sit down on a rosy-red fire?
“And now the last envelope.” (Applause)
Envelope10: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
Answer 10: What is the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?
I had a lot on my mind this week, so it was time to clean out some of the files. I realize only former fellow staff members could fully enjoy this tribute. They could add so much more.
God knew I needed Jeff’s Jerry Lewis in my life. When pastoral life was in its darkest nights, he could make me laugh, even when he declared, “I just said what you were thinking, but too godly to say it.”
The young man whose testimony was once declared “not to be worth a nickel” became a wonderful counselor and tremendous Bible Teacher.
Every pastor and every struggling soul would benefit from such a friend. I did.
Jeff was one member of a ministry team that included Steve Sharp, Derek Cox, and Big John Flanagan. Along the way, we were joined by Tim Gibson, Andrew Moss, Rafe Semmes, and Myles Roberts.
I am forever grateful for these men and their wives, for their faith, for their love, for how they blessed Vicki and me.
There were special times and many wonderful memories. They were the best years of my ministry.
We charged the gates of hell, stood in the face of lions, and walked through the fires of adversity. By God’s grace, we experienced revival, spiritual awakening, transformation, joy, and lots of laughter.
I do not desire to go back to those times. My prayer is that each one of us will finish strong in the role and places we serve now. May we Preach the Word. Live it. Love God and others. Love first and Love most. One day we will gather in heaven with a host of people who blessed our lives along the way.
Any reflection on those times by this old preacher would be incomplete without these trips though the Wisdom Wasteland. Through it all, Jeff’s friendship and laughter were priceless in value.
On earth, his golf shots still end up in the woods. In heaven, he will be the richest Pooper Scooper of us all.
Sail on Cyrus! Happy Trails Trigger! May the good weather always be at your back! (Or should that be the other way around? Ask the Clairvoyant of the Clouds.)
EYES UP! LOVE ALL OF YOU WHO LASTED TO THE END OF THIS WISDOM WASTELAND.
Bonus Envelope: Sage, Soothsayer, and Big John.
Bonus Answer: Name two mediums and an extra-large.
LOVE FIRST...LOVE MOST 