ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

Artificial Intelligence-AI.

My frustration with automated customer service has been well-documented. My latest misadventure into the depths of machine-generated cyberspace technology was no exception. Yes, I argued with a machine.

I am sure you can hate and relate.

I do not like to say it, but I have a lot of experience with this. I yell and argue with a machine that does not listen. I am determined to show the lifeless machine how it feels to be placed on hold. I hang up! How do you like them apples?

AI responded, “The correct expression is to say those apples.”

Soon, AI customer service will not only correct me, but possess the capability to yell back at me.

I bet you have stories that can beat my recent experience. This story is just to help us connect. Just nod and say, “Been there.”

Before I composed this Winsday Wisdom, I asked AI for assistance in writing about this issue.

My question posed to AI: How can I more concisely describe the craziness of customer service artificial intelligence interactions with disgruntled humans?

This was the AI response:

Customers often find themselves trapped in a loop of automated responses that fail to address their unique concerns. The lack of empathy and understanding from AI can lead to heightened frustration, as customers yearn for the human touch that machines simply can’t replicate.

AI generated customer service forms a bit of a blast shield for the complaining customer. When the bot cannot help them, a real person agent can come in as the hero.

Delay the customer for their own good! Seriously, I would never have thought of that. That is far beyond all human intelligence. One needs artificial intelligence to make up this stuff.

Well, I needed a Hero last week!

My online order arrived later than its promised delivery date. The package contained a different and lesser value item than I ordered.

It was time to call. The phone was fully charged.

Frustrated, I picked up my phone and dialed the customer service number. After navigating countless menus—“For English, press 1. For frustration, press 2”—I finally got through to a chatbot named Clarity 3000.

WHAT??? Instead of calming music, I listened to an empathetic robot explain how important it is to help with my wait time for a human to address my complaint.

Clarity introduced itself with all the enthusiasm of a caffeinated squirrel. “Hello! I am Clarity 3000, your dedicated customer service assistant! How can I help you today?”

“I need help with my order.”

 “Please describe your issue in one word,” Clarity responded.

I sarcastically responded, “Fraud! Unfair business practices!” (A friend who has successfully managed high-quality customer service centers shared this hint to expedite a response from someone in Customer Resolution.)

My AI Clarity-bot responded, “Thank you for your response! That was FOUR words…Did you initially say ‘food’?”

I thought I heard a series of chuckles on the bot’s end of the call.

I shouted over the laughter, “NO! I said fraud, not food! I received nothing!”

I felt my sanity slipping. Clarity’s navigational sister, Siri, keeps reminding me I missed that turnoff many miles back.

Clarity kept talking. Do you know some people like that? This AI robot was more human than I imagined.

“Processing your request… ‘food’ order not found. Would you like to order some delicious tacos?”

I was aghast in my best Uncle Derwin’s expression of aghastment.  “Are you serious?! I did not order food or tacos! Tacos? Fraud. FRAUD. FRAUD!!!”

Clarity AI responded quickly. “Your tacos have been ordered and shipped. Checking our Pet Department to order Frogs.”

In that belligerent response, I realized I had lost my sanity and purpose for the call somewhere along the way. You have been there. You know the drill and the execution…preferably a firing squad.

After numerous loud requests to talk to a live agent and many strong taps on the ‘0’ button, Clarity had its own “Eureka” moment of discovery.

“Please wait! Transferring you to our human representative.”

Finally…a human voice. No! I was wrong. Now was the time for the music. Music…but not A Peaceful Easy Feelin’ and I know you won’t let me down” kind of Eagles’ music. It was not I Feel the Earth Move under my Feet by Carol King or the James Brown version of I Feel Good.

I was not very familiar with this AI-generated tune, but I quickly resonated with the thought. I think the wait song was You’re Going Down by The Sick Puppies. The song has a nice feeling of pumped-up hatred. Each time the chorus kicks in, it makes you want to look for someone to kick in their teeth or tear their ligaments apart. The music was a compilation of infuriating sounds designed to mess up this guy until he breaks or at least hangs up.

Yep! One of us was going down!

After what felt like eons, a human finally came on the line, though they sounded suspiciously like Clarity’s twin. “Thank you for calling Customer Support! I’m Tim. How can I assist you?”

Apparently, Tim was from a different part of the world…or universe. I could not understand his accent or his name. No prejudice here. I admire someone from another country who is willing to work where they must be conversant in gibberish different from their native language. However, it does make it more challenging for the customer.

I froze. Did he say his name was Tim…or Kim…or Them…or Dim-wit? I mumbled that I needed help in a language Tim could not understand.

Clarity-clone 2 asked, “Could you share your name? How do you spell that?”

Can you spell that? First of all, I imagine my name appears on your computer screen along with all the other personal information your company has about me. If you listen, you can hear my voice get louder and more emphatic.

“My name is Rex.”

The human Clarity could not understand what Robot Clarity typed. “Did you say Mex or Sex?”

I responded clearly and slowly. “Rex. R-E-X.”

“Did you say R-E-S?”

“No, Rex. R as in Radio, E as in Echo. X as in X-ray.”

AI Clarity Robot 1 interrupted the call. The correct response should be “R as in Romeo.”

Well, Romeo and Rex go together, but this was not the right time or place for that. Clarity-clone 2 was no Juliet. Ok, I tried again, “R as in Romeo, E as in Echo, and X as in X-ray.”

Tim’s response, “Ok, thank you, Mr. REX-A?“

The remaining time of my interaction with Miss Clarity and Mr. Tim did not go well.

Several times, I had to ask him to repeat his questions, which I could not understand. Every time, he asked me to repeat my answer and spell it out.

When I responded that I lived in Broken Arrow, he asked me if I was Indian. When I said the city was in Oklahoma, he asked how to spell that. The coup-de-gras was when he asked if Oklahoma was in the United States. No lie! I replied that we were landlocked and could not escape.

Clarity-clone 2 continued, unfazed with the confusion. “Can you give me your order number?”

After finding the catalogue number, I began spelling it out when suddenly, Clarity 3000 piped in again, “I heard ‘C-A-T!’ Did you order a cat?”

“No, I did not order a cat!’ as my voice approached a pitch only dogs could hear.

Tim transferred me back to AI Clarity 3000, where I could yell into the void of Artificial Intelligence!

Clarity chimed in, “Your tacos are on the way. Please hang on while I check the availability of the CAT. What is your preference for size and color?

Hanging on. It can be frustrating. Usually, we hang on to a call or a relationship because we are hopeful, if only slightly hopeful. I know you can identify with frustrating customer service.

What about your own emotional hanging on with someone you know? There can be lingering effects from fear, grief, anxiety, or worry. It might be triggered by devastating news, stressful circumstances, or unexpected loss. You feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained.

You might even feel spiritually disconnected or relationally detached. Your spiritual vision is impaired; your thinking is clouded. Sadness becomes your constant companion. You cannot just “snap out of it” and feel better. Something is wrong.

You feel trapped in a prison of extreme loneliness where you imagine no one cares, while you battle fear that someone might check on you. You feel judged, condemned. Feelings of helplessness and uselessness and worthlessness weigh you down with self-imposed guilt.

You begin to emotionally shut down, too weak to even lift your eyes toward the horizon of hope. Just hanging on by a thin thread. You feel more like a machine than a human being created in God’s image.

Sometimes all you can do is sit in the darkness of your hurt and cry. Sometimes your prayers feel frozen in time and space. In the midst of that discouragement, the God of hope sits down beside you in the darkness, takes your hand, and holds you through the night. You are not judged; you are loved.

Even when you do not see God, feel God, hear God, sense God, God is still there, with much love and understanding, with no condemnation.

God never promised that life would be easy and carefree, but God does promise that he will never abandon us. Weeping may tarry through the night, but joy comes in the morning (1 Textbook).

Lift up the eyes of your soul. your help and hope are on the horizon (#1 Textbook).

Today is a good time to do what Artificial Intelligence cannot do. Review the greatness and goodness of your God. Replenish your faith. God will never let you go or cancel His steadfast love.

You never have to listen to an automated recording when you need to talk to God. Open the #1 Textbook any time of any day or night. Just start reading and then start talking. God has heard you while your mind was still forming its thoughts into understandable words. Every breath you take is directly from the heart of God. Every step of your life is written in God’s Word (#1 Textbook).

If today finds you acting like a scaredy cat or whining like a lonely dog, just remember, God knows and cares. God loves first and loves most, always and forever!

Heaven’s customer service is highly rated and never augmented by Artificial Intelligence.

P.S. I am working with some high-tech engineers to develop Calamity Jane 45, an Argumentative Artificial Intelligence customer service representative who will fight with you like cats and dogs.

The one who hangs up first in this battle of wits demonstrates its higher intelligence.

So, if you get disconnected in the middle of your raucous rant, beware. The post-recording will say, “D as in Delta, U as in Uniform, M as in Mike, M as in Mike, Y as in Yankee.”

Y! Why? Because we like you. M-O-U-S-E.