BEAT THE HEAT

THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN COMEDY AND CRUELTY.

Some things in life are just funny. The humor just invents itself.

You Tube segments and shows like America’s Funniest Videos are full of ‘accidents’ that cause us to laugh…as long as it happened to someone else.

Seeing a dad get hit in the highly sensitive private zone with a kid’s baseball bat is always hilarious…and painful. People falling down the stairs or into a swimming pool cause us to smile. I especially enjoy the sudden embarrassment of a showoff braggart when a stunt goes violently haywire.

I once heard a coach share a funny story that I try to recreate every football season. I’m not sure if it was true, but I have never managed to set up a similar situation to Beat the Heat during the hot preseason in August.

At least, not until last week!

I invite you to cast your imagination into the reality of that moment.

I walked into a huddle of some football players who were standing around waiting for practice to begin. As they greeted me with hugs, several mentioned the brutal heat. Some were already sweating bullets under the blazing summer sun.

The heat from the football field was intense, making it feel like my flip-flops would melt. It was like walking on hot coals; the field felt like a furnace.

I commented that someone at the school forgot to turn on the new outdoor air conditioning unit. When a player responded he wished that were true, I doubled down on the fake reality.

I mentioned that a team booster had paid for the school to get a big AC unit for the football field. It was part of the new climate change curriculum. Apparently, someone forgot to turn on the unit.

I mentioned a hidden button behind the south end goal post that turned on the large cooling system for the whole field.

For those unfamiliar with this situation, our football team lacks a domed stadium. The chance of an AC unit cooling our entire field is as likely as transforming the sandy dunes of Death Valley into igloos filled with various flavored popsicles.

The reset button is on the back of the cactus plant.

I asked if any players would go to the far goal post, about seventy yards away, and press the reset button on the AC unit.

Every previous year, this was the point the story died, and the non-existent AC button remained untouched. The subject was about to expire into a pile of dripping sweat.

Surprisingly, one player asked where the button was. I felt excited because there was a bite on my line, and it could be a big one.

I explained that there was a reset button on the back of the goal post. We just needed someone smart enough to find the button and start some cool air blowing down the field.

A sophomore volunteer stepped up unexpectedly and began walking toward the far goal post.

He turned back twice and asked if I was serious. I smiled and gestured for him to continue.

The senior players’ surprised expressions changed from confusion to cheering. “Go! Hurry! Run! It’s hot!”

Our Beat the Heat journeyman turned to ask about the air conditioning button’s color. I said it was black and assured him there were no other buttons. He nodded, feeling more confident.

The players watched our AC pioneer as he jogged forty yards and looked back at his cheerleaders. I’m not sure if they understood the humor of the situation or were just hoping he would find the button for cool air on the hot field.

Our teammate was committed to the task. His desire to please the coach was admirable. His initiative to provide relief to his sweat-soaked comrades brought a tear to my eye.

Indiana Jones’ search for the lost ark was less intense than this football legend’s quest for the hidden button with its rumored power.

There was no quit in this young man and no excuses. He searched high and low. He circled the goal post. He peered under the black rubber padding. He even checked to see if the button might have fallen onto the turf below.

I had mixed feelings. I was aghast with a small touch of angst. I was shocked that the kid was so gullible. I was confused because this young man was smart and good, and he trusted me, his Uncle Rex.

His effort to cool the playing field’s heat was driven by faith rather than foolishness. I could no longer bear it; the phantom hunt had to stop. I told the players to signal him back.

I began to feel like the dad hit in his manhood with an errant golf club. This was becoming more like a Shakespearean struggle between comedy and tragedy.

It can be hard to see the thin line between Comedy and Cruelty in real life. My college professor pointed out how Shakespeare balanced this in his plays. His tragedies usually conclude with the hero’s death, while the comedies often end with marriage.

I was unsure if the professor’s comparison of marriage to comedy was sarcasm or personal commentary.

My situation (not my marriage) became a conundrum. I did not want my hero to die from the scorching sun or burning embarrassment. He was too young to marry although that did not stop Romeo’s intentions with Juliet.

I needed some way to Beat the Heat and still save the hero.

I have a lengthy history of possessing a knack for picking out suspecting targets for a joke. I have walked the tightrope between Comedy and Cruelty many times. It takes laughter mixed with a little mild mischief.

I enjoyed handing out pillowcases for Snipe Hunts. I could keep a straight face while telling a fellow high school student he was wanted in the principal’s office. I was notorious for relaying fake callback messages to college roommates from potential girlfriends who did not reciprocate those feelings.

Then there was the incident at my school where students were suspected of dealing drugs in class. The students whispered and seemingly glanced around nervously as the tiny white objects slipped from one hand to another. The suspicious teacher followed her detective instincts. She quickly intercepted the transaction, confiscated the contraband, and marched the guilty students to the principal’s office.

The drug bust revealed the little white pills were Tik-Tac breath mints. That was the day my brothers and I began to refer to Mom as Starsky and Hutch, a popular TV detective show from the early era of Tik-Tacs.

There were other viral-worthy incidents which occurred before the existence of phone cameras. There were tomatoes tossed at car windows and tomatoes discreetly placed in police car seats. Sometimes the movie plays out exactly as scripted in the demented mind.

My best friend and I moved a locked car from a mall parking lot. The funny part is that the car was the only transportation for my younger brother and his date.

[Note: Remind me to tell that story. I can still see a young unmarried Angie anxiously waving her arms in disbelief as she pointed to the empty parking space right in front of the movie entrance.

The locked car had vanished. Angie’s eyes were big and questioning as she declared to Bill, “It cannot just disappear! It was right there!” The car was missing, but Bill was not going anywhere. There was a reason Mom called her second son, Cool Breeze. He calmly assured his future bride that they would find a solution. Time has not changed either of them.]

Okay, my point is that I can reference many moments in my life where the only thing missing from America’s Funniest Videos was the video.

I guess it was the boiling sun that caused this next memory to bubble up into my mind as I began to feel remorse about my foolish football fiasco to Beat the Heat. This moment had similarities to a golfing incident with my Guymon friends.

A cute rabbit appeared near a bush several yards in front of the fifth tee box. As I prepared to hit my driver, a golf partner verbally warned the rabbit that it was in danger. The low trajectory of my tee shot found the side of the Alice in Wonderland rabbit.

Whack! Thud! Bunny Down. Bunny Up. Two big hops. One high reverse backflip. Bunny Down…Forever. It was a belly laugh for my golfing comrades until that last bunny belly flop.

THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN COMEDY AND CRUELTY.

I stood there as if staring into a mirage. The goal post looked like the fairway bush from long ago. Nearby, there was a small commemorative cross adorned with a chain dangling a rabbit’s foot.

I could not continue this Beat the Heat prank any longer. I urged the teammates to call back our air conditioning button hunting bunny.

Elvis was singing in my mind. Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.

Some days you are the jester. Some days you are the joke. Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

“Count it all joy…Various trials will come and test your faith, but God uses them to produce growth in character and steadfastness” (James 1:2-4).

The word “character” comes from a Greek verb which describes cutting a groove or making a mark on something. Character is what marks your life. It defines who you are.

CHARACTER MATTERS!

You are not born with it. It is built into your life, much like the building of a house. The bricks are made up of faith, hope, and love. Trustworthiness, honesty, truthfulness, respect, and responsibility become building blocks.

There are many life irritants worse than summer heat or sand in your bathing suit. Most of us have something that rubs us the wrong way almost every day. We have daily interactions with irritating individuals, the sand in our shorts.

Remember that an oyster covers its shell-invader with layers of some altering substance until the irritating visitor becomes a beautiful, valuable pearl. Loving first and most covers the annoying people in your life. It might take some time, but it is far better than allowing their constant irritation to ruin your life.

God uses circumstances and other people to build character into your life. The building materials are pressed together by the various trials that you experience. Your mistakes only add more color.

I guess I calmed my regrets with thoughts of adding color to this young man’s character training.

I hugged our returning warrior. I guarded his dignity with a declaration that my AC button searcher was in on the gag all the time. He grinned and told me he loved me.

My opinion of him soared to new heights. He showed me what faith looks like in real life. He showed his teammates what loving your brothers looks like on a football team. It takes effort and perseverance. It sacrifices for the well-being of the team, no matter how hot the day.

I want that kind of teammate and I want to be that kind of teammate and marriage partner and dad and Bubba to my grandkids.

Here is my bottom line whether the circumstances of life are Comedy or Cruelty.

I will always do my best. Never Quit. Never. Always have fun. And keep the video camera handy for those hilarious moments that sneak into hot days like a cool breeze.

To quote Shakespeare, All’s Well That Ends Well because Elvis has already left the building.

Don’t be Cruel.