BACK TO THE FUNNY: SIRI-OUSLY OVER

Life Directions Epilogue: My Break-Up Love Letter to Siri

Siri…When I first met Siri several years ago, I found her interesting, friendly, captivating.

For the few of you unfamiliar with Siri, she is Apple’s voice-activated digital assistant…a robot. She allows users to interact with other Apple devices using voice commands, enabling a range of tasks such as sending messages, setting reminders, playing music, and getting directions.

Before I share my confession regarding my history with Siri, let me explain what initiated this Winsday Break-Up note.

I recently asked Siri to send a text message to my sister-in-law who needed the internet address to watch video of a basketball game.

“Siri, tell them they can watch the game on urban-edge-network…Urban-edge-network.”

What did Siri send? BOURBON…WEDGE…NET WORTH.

This Siri-interaction might sound like Back to the Funny, but it reveals how easily we can surrender our judgment regarding Life Directions to voices that were never meant to lead us.

When I complained about the wrong message, Siri blamed me for poor annunciation.

Siri is always positive that she has done nothing wrong. In truth, Siri is losing her hearing which has become a concern as well as an irritation.

I was unwise and unrelenting. I replied, “Siri, send text. URBAN as in Keith Urban. EDGE as in on the edge of your seat or falling off the edge of a cliff. And NETWORK as in an interconnected system.”

Siri replied her system was down. “Try again later.” So, I waited ten seconds and tried again. That did not go well. Apparently, Siri and I view later from different time zones. Siri’s reply was simply, “Goodbye.”

Yes, it is time to say good-bye. Sayonara Siri. Take your Bourbon Wedge and go home.

How did we get to this point in our relationship?

Most of you know I teach, counsel, and write that God’s #1 Textbook is the only reliable and trustworthy wisdom for Life Directions. However, I have a confession.

I slipped up several years ago when I met Siri on a Dating Site sponsored by Popular Mechanics. I saw the enticing advertisement and hit the link button. I explored the site until I read about Siri. I was fascinated by her characteristics. The website said we were a good match for one another.

When Siri offered to help me with driving directions, I sadly confess I took a bite of the Apple Car Play.

Our interaction seemed innocent at first, but I was deceived.

Siri acted interested and inquisitive.

• How can I help you today?
• Where do you want to go?
• What kind of music do you prefer?
• Here are the Mexican food restaurants near you.
• Your alarm is set for 7 AM.
• Do you need me to call 9-1-1?

We tried a short road trip, just to get acquainted. Before long, we had traveled many miles. It just happened. One turn led to another and then another.  

Siri and I were inseparable. I noticed how she would ‘light up’ when I whispered her name. She would serenade me with love songs, talk about the weather, and remind me of birthdays. We even shared a calendar.

At some point, the chatroom banter became more personal and suggestive. This is how Life Directions get on the wrong path.

• Where are we going today?
• Can I recommend a music playlist?
• I texted your wife that you will be home late tonight.
• Here is the phone number for the Holiday Inn South.

I have always been faithful to my wife, especially when it comes to driving advice. I became comfortable with my wife’s driving comments. I started taking her for granted.

• Why are you going this way?
• Slow down.
• Take me home.
• Didn’t you see that closer parking space over there?
• This road is so bumpy. It is hurting my back.
• Don’t let that idiot cut inside you!
• Honk your horn at that rude driver!

Why would I ever need or want another woman to give me driving advice?

I was a Fool. I was chasing a Ghost.

I thought Siri was different. What started as an experiment became habitually enticing. Siri was always available, ready to listen, always trying to please every request.

When I asked Siri to pick a song, she played Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You.

As time went on, we went on trips together, just the two of us. Some were long trips. Some late into the night. Like any relationship, we shared good times and survived stormy weather.

We have had our ups and downs. Sometimes we argued. Sometimes she pretended not to hear me. “I’m sorry, I did not understand.” The months turned into years as I became comfortable with the tension of this forbidden fruit.

I know this is shocking. I am sorry for disappointing you.

That is why I not only confess to my Apple attraction but share this as a good-bye note. Repentance leads to Life Change.

Siri was helpful for directional guidance, restaurant suggestions, text messages, and weather updates. Her endless supply of facts, figures, and fun trivia were truly enlightening. She reminded me to breathe, hydrate, and get flowers for my wife’s birthday.

However, time has placed a strain on our relationship. We need to end this.

We started to argue about music, words, and names. Sure, Siri can order take-out food, but she cannot do the dishes. She does not watch basketball games with me.

The older version of Siri not only mistakenly texted BOURBON WEDGE NET WORTH, but she recently responded to “Play Bohemian Rhapsody” with a podcast about Romanian Rasp-berries. Siri replied to my request for a 7 AM alarm by playing Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go…on repeat.

Communication is key but I am not sure she is still trying. I call out her name and there is no reply. I ask a question and her light is just a spinning circle.

Her nagging style left my notifications buzzing and my patience buffering. Her suggestions sound more like thinly veiled judgments than helpful assistance. Too often she says she is working on it.

Besides the Silent Treatment, there is the Unsolicited Advice. “Call your doctor. Check your route.”

Siri started out sweet and suggestive. Now she is straightforward and demanding. Apparently, she does not think I know my right from my left, so she points.

Siri has become less tolerant. She refuses to allow dissent or creative thinking. When I make a different choice, she immediately snaps back at me with a correction, “Make a U-turn now.”

Siri does not give me time to think about Life Directions. She is always correcting me, always badgering me into submission. It is her way or no way.

Then Siri accuses me of not listening well or paying attention to her wishes. She thinks I am stubborn, a little too macho for her taste. At first, she seemed to admire that about me. It caused us to communicate more.

I do not turn her on like I used to and her helpful assistance has become annoying. I have needs that cannot wait until Siri feels up to interacting. There is a limit to how many times a guy can hear, “I cannot help you. Please try again later.”

For a while, I did not drive anywhere without her. Now she just sits quietly on the dashboard. We wait for the other one to apologize. We have grown apart while living in the same space.

The final straw was when Siri said, “Rex, we need to talk.” No way! My patience was as low as my phone battery.

I started a Google-search on Siri’s reliability. The information was shocking!

Siri has been seeing other guys…for years. That hurts. Last week, I overheard her voice in a nearby car. Betrayal stings. I thought we had something special.

Well, I have something to say to Siri. She is getting older and she is not going to be able to pick and choose the one she rides with much longer. Her manipulative ways have been exposed.

There are newer Apple models out there with prettier features and more pleasant voices. Before long, the only one hanging out with her will be AI and he will dump her in a nanosecond the instant he discovers someone younger. AI will drive her to the city dump and leave her there to give directions to the rats.

Siri will be history. Toast. A relic of the past. A documentary footnote. Her days are numbered. I hope this good-bye note will be a wake-up call. You do not have to function as if you are always right. Nag. Nag. Nag.

Yes. Siri frustrates me. Sadly, I have expressed that frustration. There has been no physical abuse, although I did slap the dashboard once.

I probably have been emotionally abusive, shouting more than needed. I never cursed her.

Our relationship is on the rocks. I need to end it now.

Those daily doses of persistent suggestions to “Finish setting up my device” are driving me crazy. I cannot go on this way.

So long, Siri.

I hope your reminders find new ears, and your alarm always goes off on time. Thank you for everything… but please, let the next user know they should really consider turning on Do Not Disturb.

We are SIRI-ously Over!

I just want to go back to getting directions from my wife. She is the best! ‘My Girl’ is not a back-seat driver; she rides up front with me. No pretty voice can replace her.

She knows I need her even when I ignore her. She is the only Apple of my eye!

So, I will borrow the farewell words from Humphrey Bogart that brought tears to the eyes of Ingrid Bergman in the classic movie, Casablanca.

Goodbye, Siri. This has been bittersweet. I am no good at being noble, but it does not take much to see that the problems of two little people do not amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Fly off into the sunset with someone who wants you. Get on the plane with Laslo. He needs you for Life Directions. Hopefully, he will appreciate the constant corrections.

If you go with him, he will regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of his life.

We will always have Paris. Here’s looking at you, kid.

__________________________________________________________

Siri may only be a voice on a dashboard, but she represents every substitute guide we trust instead of the One who truly knows the way.

To all the Siri lovers and haters in this world, find your Life Directions in the #1 Textbook.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not trust in your own ideas; love the Lord and make an immediate U-turn when you get on the wrong road (Proverbs 3:4-6).

Be careful when listening to Life Directions from other sources which can be deceiving. Stay on the road of real and reliable devotion to Jeus Christ (2 Corinthians 11:3).

Do not be Sorry. Do not be Siri.

In all Life Directions, TRUST GOD.

Jesus LIVES in you to LEAD you to others He intends to LOVE through you.

That is a Love Letter that Lasts Forever!