Oh Say Can You See

DOUBLE VISION EYE EXAM

These were not the words from someone singing The Star Bangled Banner. These were the words on a red, white, and blue neon sign adorning an optometrist’s office.

Have you been to the optometrist lately? How was your Eye Exam?

My visit began with eye drops and then the Eye Chart Test.

This is an easy exam. It is not rocket science or brain surgery. You sit down in a chair, look at a board, and read out a few letters.

There is no pressure. No stress. No drama.

The assistant entered with her clipboard. I did not need glasses to see her resemblance to Morticia from The Addams Family TV show. Elvira pulled the spiderlike contraption next to my face and asked me to read the top line of the chart.

There is one extremely large letter ‘E’ at the top of the chart. I believe it is intended as a confidence booster. They are going to spot you one correct answer.

I sarcastically responded that it was an ‘F’. Elvira did not think that was funny.

Elvira asked if I would read the third line. I quickly called out T-O-2. No, No. T-D…I squinted as if that would help as I called out ‘S’.

Elvira asked me to try again. Try again? What an insult! I have not tried to guess a letter since I was three years old.

How does this eye exam end up as The Letter Guessing Game?

Did I just admit I could not see the third line clearly? No! I am an American and no one corrects my reading without a rebellion. Play the national anthem.

I confidently called out the letters ‘T–D–No–‘O’…Definitely ‘O’ like Oh Say Can You See? But I did not see a ‘C’–it is a ‘Z’–-Yep, ‘O’ can you ‘Z’?

Elvira sarcastically said that all those letters were on the wall, but I should read letters on the same line. “Try one last time.”

I stared at the chart. I narrowed my eyes and peered at the blurred letters. I blinked several times to sharpen my focus.

It was like being at the free throw line during a March Madness finale. One miss and the season is over. One correct letter and I will be dancing around the room to the music of One Shining Moment.

I know one volunteer basketball coach who advised his player facing that challenge with these pressure-packed words of encouragement:

“Just step up there. Take a deep breath and say to yourself, “This may be the ballgame.’”

I felt the pressure. I took a deep breath. I just needed to bank-in one letter. The odds of choosing the correct letter were one out of twenty-six.

Suddenly, I became a detective searching for clues. Where did they hide the ‘Z’? I remember there is always ‘Z’. Is it before the ‘Y’ or after the ‘W’? Or is that two ‘Vs’?

I tried to ease the building tension in the room.

I told her I did not want to look S-T-U-P-I-D.

Elvira did not grin or even flinch. She just calmly replied I was already past those letters. She suggested I just read the lines.

It did not help when I said I did not see any ‘lines‘ just ‘letters’.

Instead of admitting defeat, I started guessing. I thought I might get points for how emphatically I named each letter. My confidence dissolved into embarrassment and confusion.

At some point, I began hoping she agreed with one of my guesses. That quickly became hopeless. Elvira did not appreciate my humor when I asked if she was looking at the same chart.

Elvira asked if anyone in my family wore glasses. I told her my mom had poor eyesight because she was always looking for her glasses while they were on top of her head.

Elvira’s patience was as shortsighted as my vision. The awkward interaction blurred the absurdity of guessing letters.

Finally, it came time for the choice of lens. Elvira asked if I liked this one or that one. I answered I like that one. Then came the famous Abbot and Costello comedy routine of Who is on First.

Elvira asked again, “Do you like this one or that one?’ I stuck with my first answer, “That one.”

Elvira: “Which one?” I assumed I was wrong, so I changed my answer to “This one.”

The exasperated assistant changed her approach. Elvira began to click the instrument to the sound of a falling guillotine blade as she demanded a definitive answer. “Which is clearer? One or two? One or two?”

Me: “Two–No, one–Maybe, it is a tie.”

Elvira: “One or two? One…Two?”

I panicked and shouted, “One! Song Sung BLUE…Everybody knows ONE.”

Apparently, Elvira is the one person on the planet who does NOT KNOW ONE Song Sung Blue by Neil Diamond. With her attitude, she would never be mistaken for Sweet Caroline.

I perceived there was a need for something upbeat to ease the tension in the room. We needed a seventh inning stretch.

As Elvira repositioned the machine, I reached up and …yes…I did,

Hands touching hands,
Reaching out,
Touching me, touching you.

Sweet Caroline, (Ba! Ba! Ba!)
Good times never seemed so good,
So good! So good! So good!
I’ve been inclined, (Ba! Ba! Ba!!)
To believe they never would,
Oh no, no.

Now I look at the chart,
It don’t seem so blurry…

Elvira looked at me as if I were crazy. I think she needed prescription glasses to see crazy. She took on the persona of a pit bull as she demanded me to try again. “One…or two?”

I asked if she had a three. When she took that option off the table, I assumed this was a ‘do or die’ situation. Elvira reached for the guillotine.

Me: “Can I call a friend?”

Elvira: “Only if your friend is an optometrist.”

Me: “Then I want to ask the audience.”

That is when the doctor entered the room.

Doctor: “Do you have any questions?”

I asked if he could prescribe glasses which would enable me to see if my neighbor was waving at me or sending one-finger signals.

The optometrist responded that I definitely need eyeglasses because that person was not my neighbor, it was my wife!

I admit I was confused. I felt lost in a whirlwind of darkness, letters, and wild guesses.

This scene reminded me of a little-known fact from the History of English Literature textbook. Charles Dickens produced the famous opening paragraph of his classic novel, A Tale of Two Cities, after failing a frustrating eye exam.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,

• obvious double vision

it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity,

• Dickens’ could see the top lines but began to foolishly guess letters until everything was blurred astigmatism.

it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness,

• Why do they shine a spotlight directly at your pupils and then dilate your eyes causing blindness for three hours?

it was the spring of hope, t was the winter of despair,

• He read the top lines but failed the lower lines although he could still read the final bill not covered by insurance.

we had everything before us, we had nothing before us,

• There were nine unaffordable fashionable frames which left him with the extremely large square black Harry Potter knockoffs.

we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way,

• Dickens stared at the bottom line, “H…E… Double Hockey Sticks.” I did not see those letters on my eye exam chart. I believe that requires a divine prescription.

(A Tale of Two Cities—Charles Dickens)

An Eye Exam is symbolic of what ails our culture. We are confident in our total uncertainty but end up embracing another person’s perspective.

Confidence in Uncertainty.

We go through life as blind as a bat. As confused as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. We get down on life or, worse, down on ourselves. We cannot see hope because of the darkness of our despair.

We trade our rose-colored glasses for the jade-colored ones depending upon the current shade of our situation. Hope fades. Pessimism grows. Social media distorts it all.

What should we do in the best of times? Or the worst of times?

EYES UP!

That is not only what I use to close most texts and emails, but also constantly remind myself.

What do I mean by EYES UP?

Keep your eyes on the Lord. He alone is your Help and Hope.

The #1 Textbook encourages us to keep our EYES UP!

EYES UP! Lift up your eyes to the hills. From where does your help come? Your help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth (Psalm 121:1-2),

EYES UP! Look at the skies. They are preaching to us every day and night about the greatness of God’s Glory. The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands (Psalm 19:1).

EYES UP! Lift up your eyes on high and see who created all these stars. He brings out their host by number, calling them all by name (Isaiah 40:26).

EYES UP! You will see Hope on the horizon (Ephesians 1:18).

EYES UP! Look to Jesus, who began and completed our faith. He endured the cross for the joy before him, disregarded its shame, and now sits at the right hand of God’s throne (Hebrews 12:2).

EYES UP! Focus on what cannot be seen, rather than what is visible. What we can see lasts only for a moment, but what is invisible endures forever (2 Corinthians 4:18).

EYES UP! Do not be afraid, because I am with you. EYES UP! Do not be discouraged; I am your God. I will make you stronger, support you, and hold you up with my righteous hand. (Isaiah 41:10).

EYES UP! Behold, the Lord is coming with the clouds, and every eye will see him. AMEN—ALL IN! (Revelation 1:7).

EYES UP! One thing I have asked of the Lord, which I will seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life and gaze upon the Lord’s beauty forever (Psalm 27:4).

EYES UP is a choice to lift your eyes above the noise and chaos of life. It is a refusal to become distracted by the storms around you. In any tough time and every dark moment, there is only one place to look for Help and Hope.

EYES UP! I LOVE YOU!

Get glasses if they help keep your eyes up!